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♪♪
["Chick Habit" by April March playing]
[cheerleaders] ♪ Freemont pride, be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪
♪ Freemont power, Freemont pride ♪
♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪
♪ Freemont power, Freemont pride ♪
♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪
♪ Go, Freemont! ♪ [all cheer]
Hey, everybody, tomorrow after classes,
make sure that you have your uniforms picked up from the dry cleaners,
because the bus for the playoffs
is going to leave at 7:30 AM. the next morning, all right?
[groaning]
But the Doughnut Hole has agreed to donate four dozen doughnuts.
Yeah.
Okay, we're going to kill the Rangers this year, right?
[all] yeah!
I can't believe you're leaving.
It's just a couple of hours before you go.
Yeah, right... right.
Aren't you excited? It's playoffs!
Yeah. Whatever.
♪♪
Come on!
I have to get home for dinner.
Please?
Well... all right.
♪♪
[man] That's some beef. Mm.
- [woman] And carrots. - Yummy.
Thank you, mother.
- Thank you, poodle. - Sure.
Grace.
Dear Lord, please bless this food that we are about to eat.
We thank you for the abundance that You have provided.
Please help us to follow Your path,
the one You intended us all to follow.
And Lord,
please help us to obey
the roles in life you set for us.
For all that is natural, and...
healthy...
and sacred.
In Your name we pray. Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Let's eat.
♪♪
- [car horn honks] - Bye, dear.
See you later, sweetie-- I mean, tonight. See you tonight.
Don't forget your library books by the door.
- Got 'em. Bye. - [door closes]
- So... are we ready? - They'll all be here at 3:00.
Jesus, I hope we're doing the right thing.
[bell rings]
Shaker Hills, here we come.
And remember, 7:30's doughnuts.
- Did you talk to both her parents? - She's coming.
Kill the Rangers.
Meet you outside.
Don't you hate it when they do that?
I think it's fun.
Maybe he just doesn't do it right.
- See ya. - Bye.
♪♪
- [man in car] Speed up, jerk! - [honking]
Um, Jared, why are we going so slow?
Sorry. Zoning, I guess.
[van door closes]
Mike, thanks so much for coming all the way back out here again.
- Well, that's what we're here for. - Thank you, Mike.
- Now you've watched the video? - Over and over.
Come in.
[horn honks]
The important thing is to be clear and direct,
but to do it lovingly.
- We're not accusing, we're supporting. - [car door closes]
I think I hear the car.
Uh-oh, here they come.
♪♪
Surprise!
What happened? Is somebody dead?
They're your favorite.
Now, why don't you just come on in and sit down, honey?
- What's going on? - Hi, Megan.
My name is Mike.
Your parents and your friends want to have a conversation with you.
I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue.
So why don't we start by sitting down and making ourselves comfortable?
How would that be?
[sighs] Now, Peter, would you like to start the conversation?
Megan, we love you.
We all love you.
And lately, we've become concerned
about certain... behaviors.
We're afraid you're being influenced
by a... way of thinking. An unnatural--
Do you remember the woman on TV--
Honey, we think you're a... [whispering] lesbian.
Huh?
I, myself, was once a gay.
Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan.
I work for a place called True Directions,
who help people like yourself
learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies.
And-- and how to heal them.
What tendencies?
Why would you think I'm a--
You've been trying to make us eat this tofu.
In diet, watch for a switch to vegetarianism.
You don't have any pictures of guys in your locker, just these.
Mm-hmm.
And these.
Sexual, even vaginal motifs in artwork and decorating,
gay iconography.
You don't even like to kiss me.
[all] It's true.
I can't believe this.
Denial is a normal part of the healing process
that we'll explore at True Directions.
Healing?
Like rehab, honey. Uh, Homosexuals Anonymous.
Poodle, it's only for a few months.
There is no way I'm going.
♪♪
Hmm?
♪♪
- [Nancy] Let's go. - [car doors close]
Now.
Oh, wonderful!
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I'm Mary. I'm the founder of True Directions.
- And you must be Megan? - Yes.
- This is my son, Rock. - [Nancy] Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you, Megan. - Thank you.
Looks like we got you just in time.
Uh, what are you? About 17?
Yes!
Almost lost her to college.
You know, it's so much harder
once they've been through all that liberal arts brainwashing,
but we've saved a few.
I'll take her from here.
[bird cawing]
Well, come along.
We have a little welcome video to start you up.
[car starts]
♪♪
[horn honks]
♪♪
[narrator] No one would've guessed what would happen to this sweet little girl.
By a young age, Kelly had a promising future.
Mommy's little helper, then prom queen.
Kelly had hopes of being a model one day.
That is, until she was recruited into the homosexual lifestyle.
She made me do things with other women.
She drove me in the back of her Harley like I was some show piece.
Even when she'd get high and push me off the back of the bike,
I'd roll in the gutter... broken ribs...
[sobbing] I just kept coming back for more.
[sobbing continues]
Turn off the [bleep] camera!
[man] We never dreamed this could happen to our little girl.
[narrator] But Kelly sought help.
After just two months in True Directions' easy, five step program,
Kelly rediscovered her femininity
- and embraced her true self. - [food sizzling]
On March 16th, 1996,
Kelly was married.
♪♪
[mirthless chuckle]
♪♪
[glissando chimes playing]
The others arrived yesterday, so why don't I catch you up?
It's a two-month program based on five simple steps.
Why don't we concentrate on the first step?
You admitting your problem.
When you see a woman in a tight skirt,
and her long... beautiful legs,
or perhaps, she's in the bathroom
putting lipstick over her full lips,
or maybe in the locker room,
soaping her body,
rubbing her breasts,
you don't have any unnatural thoughts?
I don't think it's unnatural.
Aha! You see?
You don't even think it's wrong.
Until you admit your sickness, you will wear these.
You will earn the right to wear civvies once you have admitted the first step.
It's a long path to righteousness, Megan.
And it's a battlefield of temptation out there,
and you're going to have to fight.
Until then, I'd like you to meet one of our other soldiers.
Hilary?
Megan, this is Hilary.
She will show you around.
And, well, you'll get acquainted.
Okay. Rise and shine at 7:00.
Breakfast at 8:00. Group therapy until lunch.
Now in the afternoon, we have free time to do, um...
you know, whatever.
And then we move inside for reorientating exercises.
Family therapy on the weekends.
Hmm. You didn't miss much, really.
Oh.
[Hilary] This is where we sleep.
But there's no inappropriate behavior allowed.
Inappropriate? Like swearing?
No, inappropriate like fucking.
Oh.
You get caught in the throes of sodomy, and au revoir.
Well, never mind Graham. She's a spoiled brat.
I read her chart.
Step one was easy,
admitting you're a homosexual?
See? We all passed... yesterday.
I'm a homosexual.
See how easy it is?
Megan, meet the rest of our group.
Hi, Megan. Uh, I'm Jan,
and I'm a softball player, and I'm a homosexual.
I'm Sinead.
I like pain, I'm a homosexual.
I'm Joel. I'm a Jew...
and a... [stammering] homosexual.
- We met. - Graham!
I'm Graham, and I like girls a lot.
And, uh, I'm a homosexual.
Andre. Actor, dancer, homosexual.
Dolph, homosexual varsity wrestler. How you doin'?
I'm Clayton Dunn. I work in retail.
I'm a homosexual.
It's time for your first disclosure, and don't be intimidated.
Why don't you start by telling us about the first time
that you realized that you might be a lesbian?
I'm not.
Everyone just thinks I am.
I shouldn't even be here. [laughs]
That's a perfectly normal place to start.
Why don't we discuss the issues in your intervention?
Well...
I'm a vegetarian.
- [groans] - Mm-hmm.
I have pictures of women around.
You think that's normal?
Sure.
I never really thought about it.
Have you ever had a boyfriend?
Yes, for two years we've been going steady.
I really love him.
He's smart and popular.
And he's got the biggest dick I've never seen.
Well, um... have you ever had sex with him?
I'm a Christian.
It's really easy to be a prude
when you're not attracted to him, isn't it? [chuckles]
He's very handsome.
But does he make you hot?
I mean, do you think of him at night when you...
I'm not perverted!
I get good grades, I go to church...
I'm a cheerleader!
I'm not like all of you.
Everyone reads Cosmo,
everyone looks at other girls all the time.
But you only assume that they're thinking what you're thinking when they look,
but they're not.
[distant cheers]
[cheerleaders] ♪ Freemont power, Freemont pride ♪
♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪
♪ Go, Freemont! ♪
I thought everybody had those thoughts.
I just want to be normal.
Then you admit you're not normal.
So why don't you admit you're a homosexual?
[voices overlapping]
[together] You hug us way too much.
[Hilary] Step one was easy.
You don't even like to kiss me.
You put your hand up my skirt.
Homosexual... I think it's fun.
[overlapping] Homosexual, homosexual...
I'm a homosexual!
Congratulations, Megan.
You have just taken your first step
- in your true direction. - [applause]
[sobbing] I'm a homosex--
[Mary] Okay.
- Go on now. - Let's go. Bye, Megan.
[sobbing]
Don't worry, Megan.
- It's going to be okay. - No.
Here, put these on.
Oh, my God.
They were right.
I'm a homo.
[continues sobbing] Oh, my God.
♪♪
Congratulations on your first step, pompoms.
Don't listen to her.
She's just upset 'cause the fish on her plate
is the only kind she can eat.
I can't wait to be straight. I've always wanted to be.
It's cool to finally talk about it, you know?
I mean, I can't tell any of my friends on the team.
Maybe you have the wrong friends.
I think we should all be supporting each other.
Really, princess? Do you want to start the Kumbayas?
[door opens and closes]
Hi, Mom.
- Flowers are pretty. - I know.
You know, I noticed that we sprung another leak in the ceiling.
I'd like you to get to it tonight.
I'll get to it, Mom. Jesus!
Ow!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
Look, not in my presence.
I have told you over and over again, no more sipping!
Chug it like a man!
Go on! Chug!
- [Mary groans] - [exhales] There.
Try and get to that tonight.
[grunts]
Ugh!
- [buzzing] - [moaning]
[buzzing and moaning continue]
Yeah.
- [buzzing] - Mm.
- It's all right. It's just me. - Oh, fuck.
What are you doing?
A.V. What's it to ya?
A.V.? What's that?
Aversion therapy, stupid.
So what does that mean?
When you have inappropriate fantasies about girls,
you shock yourself with this shocker.
So every time you think of them, you feel that pain.
That's sick!
No pain, no gain, baby.
If you want to like dick, you better start training yourself.
Hey, isn't that Graham's sock?
None of your damn business.
[buzzing]
Megan, you have a phone call.
- Hello? - [Nancy] Megan, it's Mom and Dad.
Oh, we know it's after lights out, but we just miss you so much.
[Peter] We just wanted to know how our little poodle is doing.
I'm doing okay. You were right.
I am a homosexual, but I'll be regular soon.
[Peter] That Mary is pretty good then, huh?
Mm-hmm, and Mike and all the others.
I'm already starting step two.
We're so glad, and after all that money.
[Nancy] Oh, we can't wait to see you up there at graduation,
to have you home, so we can all be together again.
[Peter] Just remember, we love you.
We would do anything for our Megan to have a normal life.
- And if you need anything-- - We'd better go.
Now you hang in there and stay strong.
- [Peter] Sweet dreams. - You, too, daddy.
See you at family therapy. I love you.
[glissando chimes playing]
In step two, we'll begin the process
of everybody rediscovering their gender identity.
Now, we all know we're latent heterosexuals.
Now, what we must do is to relearn
our masculinity and our femininity.
I know this might be a little confusing to some of you--
Graham!
What?
[Mary sighs]
Do you like being a pervert?
I heard you, okay?
With your masculine-feminine blah blah blah.
Like after Advanced Calc and Chaucer, I can follow the psychobabble.
This psychobabble, young lady,
is the only healthy alternative to the gay lifestyle
other than-than guzzling a bottle of tranquilizers
or slashing your wrists.
Okay.
Now...
who's ready to have some fun?
[glissando chimes playing]
And forwards.
And backwards,
and forwards.
And backwards.
In a very clean line.
You go in, and you go out.
And you go up, and you go down.
Girls, is everybody paying attention?
And you go in and out and in and out
and in and out.
Get into every little crevice.
And in and out...
[Mike] And you slip it in...
and out.
And you add a little more oil and shove it in.
Take it out.
Put some muscle into it.
Shove it in... and out.
And shove it in, take it out.
[grunts]
Okay, who wants to go down with me?
["Just Like Henry" by Dressy Bessy playing]
- [cheering] - Hey!
["Just Like Henry" continues playing]
[all screaming]
♪♪
Huh... you're turning into a pretty young lady.
- Now hold still. - [grunts]
- [whistle blows] - Come on!
[all] Die! Die! Die!
[sighs] Okay, then.
Who's left to report out their root?
Andre?
Shit, Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one who ain't got no root.
Andre, we don't use profanity
or double-negatives here at True Directions.
Okay, who's next? Megan.
Well, I've really been thinking, but I just can't think of anything.
I think our little prom queen is too afraid to disclose.
Oh, really? What's your root, Graham?
We're working on your issue here, not mine. You're deflecting.
Actually, I think it might be a great idea for Megan
to be reminded of your root, Graham.
My mother got married in pants.
All right, let's see-- uh, Dolph?
[sighs] Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.
- Hilary? - Um, all-girl boarding school.
- Sinead? - I was born in France.
Clayton?
My mom let me play in her pumps.
I like balls.
- Why, thank you for that, Jan. - [applause]
Joel?
Traumatic bris.
So... yeah.
Now, Megan, do you see easy it could be?
You just have to dig down into those painful memories,
and you'll find it.
Now, Hilary, will you please come up here?
Today we are going to learn
one of the most wonderful things about being a heterosexual.
Friendship.
So what I'd like you to all do is to start partnering up,
find yourself a friend for the remainder of the program.
All right, everybody settle.
Now that we have all found someone,
what I'd like you to do is practice some time tonight with these.
- It's a woman. - And what else?
I don't know.
A mother. Women have roles.
After you learn that, you'll stop objectifying them.
Haven't you been listening to anything Mary said?
Well, have you?
- Have I what? - Stopped objectifying them.
I'm still looking for my root.
Must be tough when you're such a pries.
Your turn.
- [buzzing] - Ow!
You really have to be more prepared for temptation, Megan.
[scoffs]
- Give it to me! Give it! - [whistle blows]
I'm open! [grunts]
♪♪
[Mike] Boys!
Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are?
Always wanting something you can't have.
If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again,
you'll be watching sports the whole weekend!
[Mary] First thing we do is we pull these tabs out.
Then we fold it over.
All right, now I've used food coloring.
This way you can see it better,
and if it's a boy, well, it tinkles up.
That's the wrong tab, okay?
Will you please hold it still while I'm doing this?
- You're doing it all wrong. - No, I'm not.
If you would just give it to me to do, it would be fine.
Girls! Intervene!
Ugh!
[laughing]
Let's... ahem, try that one more time.
[glissando chimes playing]
And I realized that when we finished swimming lessons,
we would change in front of each other.
That's it.
- Why I'm a homo. - [man groans]
Andre, that's what kids do after swimming lessons.
Change. Everybody does that.
But I took one look at those boys,
and I got a... you know what.
[coughs]
I, um, can relate to that.
Um, when I used to study with Jacob,
we used to touch each other's legs and rub up against each other.
Blowing each other after your fucking bar mitzvah
is a little bit different then learning how to dog paddle.
That is totally uncalled for.
Well, excuse me,
but we're paying a lot of money here to get these kids fixed,
not sit around and listen to stories all day.
Graham, I hope you're getting a little more out of this program
than that faggot over there.
Mr. Eaton, I don't find that appropriate.
No, he's right.
It was a stupid-ass root.
I'm never gonna know why I am a... faggot.
I've heard enough of this crap.
When you get back from Switzerland,
you better have this gay thing out of your system.
- Got it? - I got it.
You fuck up, no college, no car, no trust fund.
I'm not sitting in any room with a faggot.
- [car doors close] - [engine starts]
[Mary] Megan.
It's your turn to report out your root.
I think it might be my parents.
Okay, go with that.
You know, we've kinda been like this greeting card family.
And then there was that one year where Dad was unemployed
and Mom had to support us.
Wait a minute, that was only for nine months.
And then I was offered a much better job at the plant.
Well, it was maybe seeing Mom kind of being the dad. Maybe I--
Maybe I got kinda the wrong idea about the roles of men and women?
Absolutely!
You know, I can't believe that you didn't mention this earlier.
Your father was emasculated, your mother was domineering.
Not exactly.
You wanted to emulate your mother.
You have no respect for men because you don't respect your father.
It's really not like that.
Megan, you have found your root.
In order to start healing this festering wound,
I want you to write a song.
It's very therapeutic,
and it's good to put your feelings down.
[blows whistle] Free time's up in 20!
That means inside.
♪♪
[man, whispering] Okay, let's go. Okay.
What is it?
[paper rustling]
Nothing. Trash.
What am I, contagious?
- What is that? - I'm stuck on...
♪ Five, six, seven, eight 4“
♪ - God is good. ♪ ♪ - God is straight. ♪
Hey, that's good.
It's not supposed to be intellectual.
Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good.
Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels.
Orgasms make people feel good.
Your parents didn't stay very long.
[sniffs] Well, I imagine it gets uncomfortable
sitting that long with a stick up your ass.
I'm sure they're just trying to do what's best for you.
I thought it was just an act,
but you really are sweet as fucking pie, aren't you?
This is bullshit, Megan. It doesn't work.
You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught.
How'd you end up here?
I got caught
Doing what?
I, uh, I had this friend,
and we just spent a little too much time together.
What were you doing?
What do you think?
Anyway.
My stepmom caught us in my room one day and sent me here.
Were you in love with her?
[sniffs] Does it matter?
Careful, I could report you for that.
[guitar playing]
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ God is good, God is straight ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Inverts we Will be no more ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ God is good ♪
♪ God is straight. ♪
[Mike laughing]
Megan, thank you so much for that cheer.
It means so much to all of us.
["If You Should Try and Kiss Her" by Dressy Bessy playing]
♪♪
[buzzing]
[girl moaning]
[buzzing]
[mumbling]
I will resist temptation, seek to solve my problems...
[boy moans]
[moaning continues]
[gasps]
Oh, my God. Please, don't tell.
Oh, my God! Ew!
Shut the fuck up, you stupid little bitch!
- [buzzing] - Ow!
Hey! What's going on in here?!
A little premature simulation?
- They were kissing! - She's full of shit!
Mike, we were just... just please don't call my mom.
Dolph, I am really disappointed in you.
I thought you had what it took to get out of here clean.
It's time to wake Mary.
Come on. Come on!
Come on.
[Mary] Whoever started this is out of this house,
and the other is really in the doghouse.
[Dolph] Not me.
[Clayton] I can't go home. They said it--
[Mary] I am not interested in anybody's sob stories.
I can only help those who are willing to help themselves.
Now, who started this?!
Someone has got to start talking.
All right, Clayton, you little pervert.
- What? - You've got one week of solitary,
and if I catch you again, you're out!
- [sighs] - All right.
Come on, Mary.
I just wish I could've seen those two boys in action
before Miss Thing over there went Nancy Drew on us.
If that little twink would've narced on me,
heads would have rolled.
What, would you tie her to your bed and zap her to death,
or are you running low on batteries?
[chuckling]
♪♪
[glissando chimes playing]
And here are our lovebirds,
taking a relaxing evening stroll together.
Now, notice how affectionate they are.
This could be you.
And here...
is our happy couple at home.
Now, it's important to make your man feel at ease
when he comes home from a long day at work.
♪♪
Now, when it's time for lovemaking,
Dan kisses Sue and touches her breasts.
Women often find this sensation pleasurable.
["Trailer Song" by Sissy Bar playing]
♪♪
[laughing]
So, you miss your friends from home?
Yeah. I just can't decide who I miss more,
the grunting apes in letterman jackets, or the bulimic cheer--
Go ahead, say it.
I didn't mean anything by that.
Um, I don't have any friends.
What about you?
I thought I did.
- Do they know you're here? - Oh, yeah.
That's rough.
[crickets chirping]
What's going on? It's almost lights out.
Shh. We're sneaking out. Get dressed.
But Mary--
Fuck Mary.
Oh, no way. There's only four weeks left.
There's no way I'm getting thrown out now.
Megan, they're never gonna find out about this.
We haven't had fun in forever.
Come on, we could use a little fun.
But... what if we get caught?
We're not gonna get caught.
Fine. If you're not coming with us, at least don't rat on us.
Come on, let's go.
♪♪
[Larry] Come on, hurry up.
Go. Go. Move it! [continues indistinct]
Get in.
[Lloyd] Okay, fasten your seatbelt.
- Wait! - Oh, we have one more.
Well, it's about fucking time.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Hi, I'm Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.
This is Larry Morgan-Gordon. Glad to have you with us.
Uh, you'll need one of these.
May not be an exact match, but...
First time you've all been AWOL?
Larry and Lloyd are ex-ex-gays.
From True Directions?
We were among Mary's ranks before we defected.
We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective
to see that there are options.
In the end, it's up to you
- whether you choose to live a-- - Lie.
Whether you want to be who you are,
or keep it hidden is really more what we're about.
So you run, like, the underground homo railroad.
[chuckles]
[disco music playing]
Come on, girls. Ooh!
["All or Nothing" by Miisa playing]
You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!
Well, where else would we go?
- I'm gonna get you a drink. - I don't drink!
["All or Nothing" continues playing]
I refuse to accept a false solution to my problem.
I will resist temptation and seek to solve my problem.
- I refuse to accept a false solution-- - What are you doing?
My interventions.
You know, you don't have to do that.
Just be yourself.
♪♪
Hi. Would you like to dance?
Sure she does.
No, sorry. I can't.
That's okay. Just thought I'd ask.
No problem.
You're too good for one dance?
You can't dance with a girl for one second? Go ahead.
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry, I just don't dance much.
That's okay.
♪♪
["We're In The City“ by Saint Etienne playing]
[bottles rattle]
Megan, it's not what you think.
[laughs] That's why we came here, right?
So you could be yourself.
I don't like Sinead that way.
Which way is that, clothed?
We weren't doing anything.
Oh, when you were going like this, you weren't doing anything?
I wasn't. I wasn't doing that!
It doesn't matter.
Why are you freaking out?
It's none of my business. Do what you want.
You want me to do what I want?
- I could care less! - What I really want?
Screw you!
I'm not supposed to like you.
But?
I wanna do that again.
- [music playing] - [all cheering]
What are you looking at?
♪♪
[gasps] Mary's coming!
♪♪
- Good night. [smooches] - Good night.
["Funnel of Love" by Wanda Jackson playing]
[spits]
Come on, just...
throw out the first thing that comes to your head, okay?
Just-- just-just think.
I already did!
Mine is just as good as anybody else's.
- I'm a heterosexual. - Uh...
[chuckles] Not yet, honey. You're almost there.
And don't speak out of turn.
No, I know, I've never been gay.
[groans]
Jan, remember, uh, you were molested.
I mean, just take a look at yourself.
I mean, everybody thinks I'm this big dyke
because I wear baggy pants, I play softball, and...
I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me gay.
I mean, I like guys.
[sniffs] I can't help it.
I just want a big, fat Wiener up my—-
Amen, sister.
I quit.
Who in the hell is she trying to fool?
Hey, Jan! Jan!
♪♪
[sighs] Group...
I have found something very disturbing this morning.
[matches rattle]
I would like to know who has been sneaking out
with those smut-peddling recruiters.
I want names.
I want to know who is involved.
Fine, then. Graham.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Why are you looking at me?
Because I found these under your bed!
Do you have anything you'd like to confess?
I didn't sneak out.
But you know who did.
No, I don't, but, um...
I did realize something about myself last night
that I was too scared to admit until now.
Okay, out with it. Come on, out with it.
I have a crush...
on Joel.
Oh.
It was the first time I really felt something for a guy, you know?
And it just-- it really proved to me
the treatment's working.
Oh, Graham.
Oh. [sniffs]
Now, let this show you
what determination has yielded-- fruit!
Now I want you all to look at Graham's strength
and how she worked her way through this five-step program.
Oh, and by the way, I'm very disappointed in the rest of you,
and I have scheduled a meeting with each of your parents.
If you can't listen to me, then perhaps you'll listen to them.
[Joel] No, I didn't go to The Cocksucker,
I've never been to The Cocksucker, I won't.
My cocksucking days are over. I am normal.
Mom, Dad, you have to believe me. I swear I didn't go anywhere.
You're not gonna tell your parents, are you?
[groans]
[chimes]
Now, honey, your mom and I both know
that you didn't have anything to do with that... that...
Field trip to The Cocksucker.
Field trip to The Cook-- [clears throat]
But if you had gone...
You have to know that you would be on your own.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you can't come home.
We can't allow you to live an unhealthy lifestyle under our roof.
80, Megan, if that is what you choose,
you're choosing to cut us out of your life.
Well, great. Great.
Now, uh, what do you want to tell us?
Just that you don't have anything to worry about.
I've been missing Jared a lot
and can't wait to see him again.
Oh, Megan, that's wonderful.
Now, you just keep up the good work,
and we'll be back to see you graduate.
[Peter] You'll be home before you know it.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
You be a good girl.
Good-bye, dear.
[sighs] Hmm.
- [ring] - [beep]
[voicemail] This is Larry and Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.
- Leave us a message. - [beep]
I know you're there! Now pick it up!
Listen to me, you little inverts,
Okay, you want to play rough with my kids?
Then I can play rough with you.
- Time's up. - Oh, yes, thank you.
[sighs] We've got a little situation to deal with.
[all chanting] Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
[Mary] You have other options.
Don't you want to be normal?
[all] Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
Hey! I know you! I saw you last night!
Hey, your daddy know you're a faggot?!
[all jeering]
Good shot, Graham!
What are you doing?
What if he saw us kissing? What do you want me to do?
[all] We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!
We are here! We're not queer!
We're not going anywhere!
That's it!
You better retreat! We're comin' out!
[all screaming]
Is this what you teach now, Mary, throw stones from glass houses?!
You're gonna have a lot of broken glass around you.
It's part of the process, Lloyd.
It's not easy for them.
- Excuse me. - Oh, thanks.
You know, you are so good at being straight.
Wow. You have really big muscles.
I-- I keep forgetting about, like, all these little things.
Get her cake, get her the cake.
- Can I rub them? -Hmm?
A little cake right there.
[Rock moans]
That's good.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
- You're really manly. - Thanks.
- I like that. Manly is good. - I feel like the aggressor.
That's nice. Yeah...
[glissando chimes playing]
You will all be graded in each category,
and those of you who pass will move on to step five--
Simulated sexual lifestyle.
And those of you who fail will be sent home.
Boys with Mike, girls with me.
["Ray of Sunshine" by Go Sailor playing]
♪♪
[grunting]
Come on! Come on!
[screams]
Essay Topic: "My root
and how it prevented me from heterosexual loving."
♪♪
Now, in order to successfully navigate the treacherous sea of temptation,
one must first enter a life out of homosexuality.
I've never seen such a determined group,
and I am passing all...
but one of you.
- Andre? -Hmm?
You may pack your bags.
Now there's cake in the kitchen.
You'll want to rest up for the simulation.
Michael, congratulations.
[sobs] I just wasn't meant to be butch.
I'm a sissy.
No.
- You should be proud of who you are. - [sobbing]
Hello?
I-- I mean, you're more than just a sissy.
You're nice and-- and clean and smart,
and sexy and firm and luscious and--
Excuse me.
The last thing I need right now
is some fruit who just proved he's straight
telling my ass how sexy I am.
Ugh!
Congratulations, liars!
You know who you are, and you know who you want.
Ain't nobody gonna change that! Shit.
[crickets chirping]
♪♪
["Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale playing]
♪♪
Graham?
I never felt that way before...
except...
Except for what?
- Don't laugh, okay? - I won't.
- Except for when I was cheerleading. - [snickers]
- Really? - I'm serious.
So it sounds stupid to you, but I really love it.
Cheerleading's the one thing that's kept me happy.
It's exhilarating.
I would love to see you cheer.
- Don't make fun of me. - No, I'm not, I'm not.
Did you ever think maybe I'm just jealous that you love something?
["Glass Vase Cello Case" continues playing]
Get out of bed!
You hormonal hussy! I can't believe you did this.
You were supposed to be the role model. Now get up right now!
What did I do?
[Sinead] A little sleepover with Graham.
Ugh!
Get dressed right now!
You, of course, understand what your little adventure has cost you.
You'll be removed from the program and the premises at once.
I understand.
And, of course, your parents have made it very clear
that you are just not welcome home anymore,
so you will be left to your own devices.
I mean there-- there may be one thing that you can do
where we could work out some kind of a deal.
I'll let you stay...
and graduate with the rest of your class,
but you must do me one favor in return.
Partner in simulation with Rock.
Rock?
I don't think that would work.
[singing along] ♪ Party train ♪
["Party Train" by RuPaul playing]
Oh, for Pete's sake!
[continues singing along]
Rock! Turn it off!
We've lost Megan.
She just wasn't strong enough,
but you still have a chance to save yourself.
It's your choice.
You can run off with Megan and turn into a raging bull dyke,
or you can do the simulation and graduate and lead a normal life.
There is no choice. You came here to graduate,
and that is exactly what you're going to do.
You understand me, young lady?
This is exactly why your mother left.
Are you ready to lose your father?
[door opens]
Then it's settled.
Graham will partner with Rock in simulation.
Megan, you're out.
Skedaddle.
[mouthing] I-I can't. I'm sorry.
♪♪
- [boy] What do you want? - I need to talk to Lloyd and Larry.
But you're from True Directions.
Yeah... Hey, not anymore!
[Larry] All right, kid. Get in here.
Come on, move your tush.
I can't go back.
I thought you could teach me how to be a lesbian.
What they wear, where they live, you know.
Uh, Megan, we can't help you with that.
There's not just one way to be a lesbian.
You just have to continue to be who you are.
- Dolph? - Megan!
- Oh! - [Megan laughs]
Thank you so much for saving me from that place.
What are you doing here?
I live here, or at least until I find a way to make it on my own.
Oh.
It's way better than T.D.
We all get our own rooms and curfew's midnight,
but we have to share bathrooms.
Well, not at the same time, of course.
Of course.
Come on, it's gonna be okay.
No, it won't.
She was supposed to leave with me, and she didn't.
Whoa, slow down. Who?
Graham.
I knew it! She was into you from the start.
Then why didn't she come with me?
Well, maybe she was scared.
Like I'm not?
Believe me, you're better off here.
♪♪
[Mary] Graham.
Pay attention!
Action, Rock.
[glissando chimes playing]
♪♪
Now lean in and kiss her.
Nice, Rock.
Now feel how soft and vulnerable she is.
Isn't it wonderful?
Now, Graham, let him take the lead.
A little tongue. He loves you.
He wants to be with you, the way God intended.
To be inside you.
His love muscle thrusting.
[disgusted groans]
Cut!
Megan, we thought that Dolph should take you out this week
to celebrate your new freedom.
- How would that be? - Sure.
80, Megan, what do you want to do now?
Um, Larry,
Megan just made a very traumatic decision, and she's still moving through things.
Well, I-- I just thought that we could check out some schools in the city
- and I could, uh-- - She's not ready... sweetie.
You know, I am just asking a simple question.
I'm not interrogating her--
Now we're moving to that aggressive space again.
Can I even ask a question around here?
Now I feel you're moving into your victim stance.
I was not attacking. I was verbalizing.
I just feel like you don't value my opinion anymore.
Seems like nothing I do pleases you and...
I feel inadequate.
Oh.
I love my Larry bear.
- Lloyd's sorry. - Larry bear's sorry, too.
- [Lloyd moans] - [sighs]
Okay, then. Dinner's ready.
Very good. Okay, who's next?
♪♪
Okay, now remember that sex is fun.
We're making love.
There's nothing dirty about it.
Sex is beautiful when it's between a man and a woman.
Mom.
Okay, now from this position,
the woman will spread her legs, opening like a flower.
That's wonderful, Graham.
Now at this point, the man will insert himself into the woman.
Yes, that's...
yes, Rock, that's it!
Uh, Mrs. Brown?
What is it, Joel?
- What about foreplay? - No!
Foreplay is for Sissies.
Real men go in, unload, and pull out!
Mom!
["Evening in Paris" by Lois playing throughout]
We can dance if you wanna.
You go ahead.
I think I need to go get some air.
I miss her.
She's scared and maybe she's making the wrong choice,
but it's her wrong choice to make.
You have to be willing to walk away.
What about you and Clayton?
Look, if he can't make a stand, he just can't make a stand.
[sighs]
Well, what about you?
What are you willing to do?
[glissando chimes playing]
I am so proud of you.
Doesn't it feel great to be straight?
To be out of homosexuality?
It's not always gonna be easy,
but at least we know what to do now.
Okay, girls, ready to go?
Give me the keys.
- Hope she's worth it. - Is Clayton?
I'm doing this for you, not for Clayton.
Yeah, right.
[engine starts]
There he is.
♪♪
Let's go.
♪♪
[Mary] Welcome to the graduating class of True Directions.
[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present
our happy heterosexuals!
♪♪
Oh...
- Jesus! - Miss me?
- Why are you here? - I came to get you.
I can't go anywhere, Megan.
♪♪
That was fast.
Where's Graham?
I gotta try again.
We've all gathered on this special day
to celebrate the wonderful True Directions.
And praise be to our Higher Power.
Will our graduates please stand again?
Sinead Laurent.
Joel Goldberg.
Hilary Vandermueller.
Graham Eaton.
♪♪
[Mary] And now,
I think that in closing, we should...
Graham.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ I won't take "no" anymore ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ I want you to be my mate ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ You're the one that I adore ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Don't run from me 'cause this is fate. ♪
["Glass Vase Cello Case" playing throughout]
I love you.
Megan! You stop it this instant!
'Cause you will wallow in the smut of your homosexual depravity
for the rest of your life!
Dolph! Come on, let's go!
- [engine starts] - Megan!
Wait!
♪♪
[applause]
My name is Peter,
and my daughter is a... h-homosexual.
[all] Hello, Peter!
["Together Forever In Love" by Go Sailor playing]
♪♪
["If You Should Try To Kiss Her" by Dressy Bessy begins]
♪♪
["The Swisher" by Summer's Eve begins]
♪♪
[instrumental music playing]